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David Letterman Top Ten Baseball Lists V
One of the absolute funniest late night comedians has always been David Letterman. His legendary Top Ten lists have made fans of the show laugh on a nightly basis and on occasion they have pointed their humor towards baseball at large.
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"Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes?" - David Letterman
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| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
When your hand is too tired from signing autographs to make a fist. |
| 9. |
They get all huffy when you crack their skull with a Louisville Slugger. |
| 8. |
Don't understand the pressure of making $18,000 an at bat. |
| 7. |
When they give me their liver - and I don't need a new liver! |
| 6. |
When fans try to adjust your cup. |
| 5. |
After you finish bloodying their nose, they almost never share their nachos with you. |
| 4. |
They keep confusing him with Pittsburgh Pirates' "Hungarian Goulash Davis." |
| 3. |
Don't understand that it's hard to keep your temper under control when you're full of steroids. |
| 2. |
Think only New York players can act like jerks. |
| 1. |
Can't take a punch Chili Davis'. |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it. |
| 9. |
All players must squat like catcher for entire game. |
| 8. |
Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes? |
| 7. |
Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game. |
| 6. |
Players can't do drugs unless they bring enough to go around. |
| 5. |
At the end of bat night, fans get to beat the crap out of home team. |
| 4. |
For just three dollars over the regular ticket price, you get to "do it" with the Philly Phanatic. |
| 3. |
Every time a player grabs himself you hear this (Slide whistle sound heard). |
| 2. |
Buy a ticket to a Mets game - get a free ticket to a Mets trial! |
| 1. |
9 players, 8 uniforms. |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
Don't just suck - suck 110%. |
| 9. |
Require players to bet on games so they care about outcome. |
| 8. |
Instead of baseball hats - Donahue wigs. |
| 7. |
No beers till the seventh inning. |
| 6. |
A little less "polishing the bat," if you know what I mean. |
| 5. |
Wait at least until All-Star break to get indicted. |
| 4. |
Stop letting Kato Kaelin sleep in the dugout. |
| 3. |
Two words: Coach Gump. |
| 2. |
Forget about having Letterman host annual awards banquet. |
| 1. |
Keep the replacements. |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
Loan sharks collecting debts with autographed Bernie Williams baseball bats. |
| 9. |
Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in tobacco juice. |
| 8. |
Statue of Liberty replaced with gigantic lifesize statue of Cecil Fielder. |
| 7. |
All chalk body outlines drawn in catcher's squatting position. |
| 6. |
Sports bars serving beer in cups worn by actual Yankees. |
| 5. |
Mob corpses in East River are now wearing those foam rubber "We're #1!" fingers. |
| 4. |
Mayor Giuliani shaving "Yankees Rule!" into his combover. |
| 3. |
Cast of "CATS" ending every show by scratching themselves. |
| 2. |
Two words: Pinstriped hookers. |
| 1. |
Smokin', drinkin', and fightin'. |
| # |
Reason |
| 10. |
When he pops one up, he really pops one up. |
| 9. |
And she said, 'how do you get it to curve like that?' |
| 8. |
Holy Cow, I can't believe it. Another trip to the mound. |
| 7. |
That's the biggest strike zone I've ever seen. |
| 6. |
So his wife says, 'It's not a Ball Park Frank, but it plumps when I cook it.' |
| 5. |
The last time I caught fungoes, I was in Mexico. |
| 4. |
Just pretend you're Bill Buckner, let it go between your legs. |
| 3. |
All I know is, it had pinstripes. |
| 2. |
Whoops, I thought you said Orel Hershiser. |
| 1. |
It's not a Louisville Slugger, but keep choking up. |
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